I have seen many changes in myself this few months. Now that I've seen the mirror that reflects my very self just a couple of days ago. I've changed from loving to persisting to hoping this few months. Being in love was indeed harder than I've assumed it should be. I've always thought that if you loved someone, its ok that the person did not love you back the same way. Knowing that person not being able to love you the same way you did was a relief as it was the truth and both sides would have been better off just going on with their life. The sudden truth that it hurt so badly that the person didn't love me the same probably hurt me more then i can imagine. A sudden realization that just saying and talking about it was indeed so much more different then going through it.
Saying you love the person is just simple. Having to go through every second not being able to be close to that person was indeed burning my very soul. Makes me think what i've lacked in my life. Is it because i'm physically not attractive or that i lack something in personality. I've never really had problem communicating with people but what makes this person so much different? Have i always tried to impress this person to get the attention i seek? Or maybe i didn't have anything to show off to her. "This is all you get!" says me. DANG it. I'm sure i've got some ammo left somewhere.
Is it just that? Have i lack something? People will come by and tell me its not your fault. Is it? Than whose is it? Can i blame the person? Obviosly no since they have the right to chose their other half. Its just been so draggy. I wish my heart was less loyal to the one i had this simple crush on. But just thinking bout this person made me happy and tried harder for every possible time. If i tried hard maybe she will realise i'm here. I know this is the wrong way to go but realizing it now seems late. I can't say i tormented myself or its just merely something to "syiok sendiri" about. Maybe i'm just holding on to this hope that the person would turn back. "I should move on". I've told myself that everyday. Putting percentages on it just constantly made me realise i should ignore it and go on with my life. I've been stuck there ever since i realise the love was maybe possible. The hope was something that put me hanging there. I need that hope crushed. So maybe a hammer should fall on it.
Status: I need someone to rant my life too.
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